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Thursday, April 13th, 2006
9:41 pm - huh.
i'm amazed at how easy it is to ignore things.
things that, if you let it, can get you down to your core. can shake you till you can hardly see straight. things that make your walk slow and your mind even slower.
somehow i've been able to be happy.
really happy.
i'm so proud of this new found ability.
to trick myself
into thinking
that it will all go away
that it doesn't really exist
that none of it is happening
that Hastings is just a simple day dream
that the only thing that matters right now
is making sure that i don't remember
i don't talk about it
and i'm not going to start
and if i'm forced to mention it, i pretend like it's a lie.
even now
i'm so detached.
i've never been so detached.

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Saturday, March 11th, 2006
11:37 am
I feel really shitty right now.
It's 11:37 on a Saturday morning. I woke up to do work. I ate breakfast. And now I'm here, in the library.
I just got an email that really shook me.
This whole hurricane relief trip has been both amazing and dramatic, inspiring and dreadful.
I hate losing friends. I can't do it.
You have to know how many friends I feel I have lost in the past few months.
Some have been my choice. This girl Amy who I used to really like started making me feel like I was an idiot. Like I meant nothing to her.
So I kind of cut her off. I mean, I still pretend that I like her. But i can't really spend time with someone who makes me feel so bad about myself.
Then there are the people who applied to the trip who didn't get in. They wrote bad applications and now when they see me they look away.
What was I supposed to do?
I just can't stand when people don't like me.
And then there are ex-boyfriends, and if you're reading this you know who they are. That's why I think I hate relationships. You make this intense amazing connection
and then you lose it, faster than it came. And then the other person is erased. and they want nothing to do with you. and it hurts. it's impossible for me to sever those kinds of connections. maybe that's why I always become the crazy ex-girlfriend.
and then there's brendan.
brendan decided not to lead the trip with me. brendan quit because of me.
because i said mean things about him behind his back. because i needed to go to new orleans instead of mississippi. because i made him feel like he was a bad person.
When he was a really good friend of mine.
and now i'm sitting here, thinking about how i can't take any of it back. i can't fix it.
He wrote me an email. it said he cared about me, and that's why he's pushing me away. that i hurt him immensly. that i made him feel perverted and controlling.
i didn't mean to do that. i didn'tmean to do any of this. how do these things happen? one day you just need to vent to a friend, and that friend turns into ten friends, and then the other person starts to hate you.
but the only reason you would ever say such mean things is because you care about the person so much.
i never meant it. i said mean things because i was frustrated. the fact that i put so much energy into means i care about him.
i hate losing friends. i'm sick of mourning the people i've lost.
why can't people forgive me? why can't i stop fucking everything up?
i almost feel like this hurricane relief project has made me less human. i can't have functional relationships. i have a few good friends, who will never leave me. but i hope i'm the same katie i was before.
if your reading this, please don't give up on me. ever. i'm tired. i miss everything about everyone who has ever meant anything to me. it's hard for me to get over things. it's hard for me to get over people. just don't give up on me, no matter all the stupid mistakes i make. i'm trying so hard to be a good person. it's just really not working at the moment.
i thought this would make me feel better, but it hasn't.

current mood: melancholy

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Sunday, February 12th, 2006
7:24 pm - I can't say this to the person who needs to hear it, so i'm writing it to you.
It's really hard to end something that never really began.
Goddamn it. I don't even understand why I get so guilty. I've never had to break up with someone before.
But it's not even like we're together.
Can someone call me? Someone that knows I'm not an awful person? That I need to live my life without a boy, especially this particular boy, who on the surface seems pretty perfect but is actually really condescending and opinionated.
I think I may be starting to hate him for absolutely no reason, except for the fact that everything he does bothers me.
I hate the way he picks up the phone and the way he forgets all my friends names and the way he doesn't listen and the way he thinks i'm too young for him.
If i'm too young then don't fucking date me!! I hate the way he pretends that everything is fine when EVERYTHING OBVIOUSLY IS NOT FINE!!
but i really really hate the way I can't just tell him this and instead i write it in this livejournal that has absolutely no connection to him.
I'm a fucking chicken.
I need to watch the Vagina Monologues again. I need to go back to New Orleans.
I need to tell this guy how I feel. But I don't even know how. I don't know why I feel this way. He creeps me out. I don't know what happened.
Maybe I just idealized him so much when I first met him, and now I'm angry at him for not being so perfect after all.
Or maybe we are just not compatable. I want someone who appreciates me. Someone who wants to talk about something real... not that aids in africa isn't... but someone who wants to talk about something that isn't intellectual sometimes.
Like how beautiful the sky is. Or what their childhood was like. He doesn't make me laugh. He doens't make me smile. He makes me depressed about the fact that I have money (even though i don't have as much as he assumes i do) and I can't tell him anything real about me because I know he'll just fucking forget.
Or won't understand.
He pretends to know the world inside out when he doesn't know shit.
Just because your 22 and I'm 19 doesn't make you the smartest person I've ever talked to. Because your not.
You say you want the best for me, but you hardly say anything at all. you're just not for me. I don't hate things as much as you do, i like things and i like people and even though i probably shouldn't i actually do believe in love and i don't want to pretend i don't because it makes me look stupider than you. Just because i'm not an atheist doesn't mean i'm fucking neive!! Stop teaching me lessons!! and the second i get passionate about something, the second i'm the one teaching you about something or trying to make you understand why Bush is just a fucking asshole you tell me i should get counseling!!
Counseling?!? You don't even know me!! You are the one who needs counseling!! I know your still in love with your EX-FIANCE!! that's right folks, he was fucking engaged and he pretends like he's over it and i'm sick of living in this girls shadow. i just don't like you enough to put up with that.
That was the last straw, when he told me to get counseling. what is wrong with a little empathy for the people who have nothing?! What's wrong with questioning materialism after you've seen entire houses completely destroyed? ya know what buddy? you can take all your fucking theories about how much hummanity sucks and shove it because I DO believe in the inherent worth and dignity of all beings and I want to grow up and actually do something about all the shit that's going on instead of complaining about it with you and the only way i'll be able to do that is if i stop seeing you.
Next step: say all this to him.

current mood: Pissed off

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Thursday, February 9th, 2006
12:54 am - ideas?
okay, if I was writing an article for you about my experience in New Orleans what would you want to hear?
the politics of it? why i fucking hate george bush? how i hate our culture and country? why new orleans is worth saving? what is going on down there?
there is too much to write and i'm freaking out.........
goddamn it. i miss it. i want to go back. it feels so good to actually do something with your life
instead of learning in order to do something eventually because that's the only way we'll be able to get anything done.
i want to take the semester off. i want to go there and do it. gut houses everyday. live in a tent. with hippies and church folk all together. i want to meet more people. i want to go to more second lines.
i get too upset when i think about this.

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Saturday, January 28th, 2006
12:33 am
how do you know when something is too much?

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Wednesday, November 23rd, 2005
8:20 pm - so, i'm going home(?)
I love Oberlin.
Hastings scares me.
My family makes me feel sick.
And the 5:15 am wake up call isn't helping...

current mood: uncomfortable

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Tuesday, November 15th, 2005
12:24 am
I love it. And of course I miss hastings, but I love my life so much. And I love hastings and I love Oberlin and I love the fact that this place is giving me the opportunity to actually do something with my life. and of course tomorrow may bring awful things. and there are is so much horror in the world and hate and awful things and it upsets me to no end.
that is why i am so lucky.
and your so lucky.
I wish this upon all of you.

current mood: thankful

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Thursday, August 25th, 2005
6:40 am - It's all happening
It's that early morning feeling, when you haven't slept all night, but have to keep your focus, and everything feels too new to be real.
My car was coned. He's never been coned.
What a perfect way for him to go out.
It's been so emotional the past few days.
So I don't understand how I can be so content right now.

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Monday, June 20th, 2005
5:31 pm - woops! I wrote this one but forgot to type it!
And to ADS, I bequeth: Testtakers, pencil sharpeners, Dr. Suess, "I don't know, we supposed to be open all night, but i don't know", SUPA, possesed pictures of me
sorry to draw this out so much...

prom, not too bad.
pool party? perhaps.
graduation, tears.
camp orientation? arg.

current mood: weird

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Tuesday, June 14th, 2005
10:44 pm - I guess i'm just too cool for the buzzer... (or it's just too cool for me?)
I, Katharine Theodora Hamm Sontag, hereby bequeth: AB: personal therapy sessions, testtakers, your beetle, our spot, healing powers, Semi-charmed life, "i will always love you", winter track, "runs", runs, bikes, the aqueduct, juniors, "on the floor", gentle penis, montreal, middle school, Dawson's creek; KL: cons, my version of hi-rock, aya, our spot, semi-charmed life, katie squared, a place in my family, mombo number 5, PJ Bova, two ice cream cones, "I will always love you", middle school, gentle penis; MT: Semi-charmed life, driving around, Daisy, SUPA, Montreal, lunch, Theresa, spice girls, Mr. Konig, gentle penis, middle school; YS: every afternoon, cutting, physics, the mini-society of your house, febuary break, dunkin donuts, lunch, konig; LW: cows, abe, music theory, my cats, salt, carwashes, the mont; JH: Mock trial; JH & BW: "AWW!"; LP: My UU family; AL: Russian Fed, mock trial; LE: gentle penis, creative nomad, long walks, dawson's, mock trial, the city, "i will always love you", good conversation, my books; IO: anthropology digs, Digrassi; AA: Jefferson Ave, all my clothing, middle school, Montreal, 9th & 10th grade; FC: DDR, the first two weeks of company; AE: guys and dolls, mock trial; HW: "I just...", "sleep with me gail!"; CG: Chorus, PAI, Ray, 5th grade, Ralston's bulge, english, perez and deglau; DS: Jefferson Ave; JP: Middle school popularity, junior boys, montreal, 9th & 10th grade.

I know most of these people will never see this.
And that most of these things i can't actually leave.
Oh well. It's the thought that counts (?!)

current mood: drained

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Sunday, June 5th, 2005
4:33 pm - Last con, perfect weekend.

The shit



current mood: blissfully content

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Wednesday, May 4th, 2005
9:25 am - Not to brag or anything...
But my life is perfect.
I don't think you understand. I can't believe it.
I spent the entire afternoon sleeping. It was bliss. I have absolutely no homework, and feel no stress or obligation to do anything.
This might sound boring, but i say, we must embrace this. when other time in our lives is this going to happen? how the fuck is this happening right now?!
I just came back from a week in my favorite city with two of my best friends where i got to just drink, eat and sleep while having a new interesting experience everyday. How is this possible?! How am i SO incredibly lucky?!?
And then, when i got home, i got to see everyone that i missed, and have a really great night.
And then, on Sunday, i got paid 7.50 an hour to tell stories about my trip.
And yesterday, i didn't do shit. And today, i had a calculus exam that didn't matter at all. And now, i'm sitting here, just so incredibly blissfull. i am so lucky!! i have the best friends, the best brother, the best family! i feel like i am always having fun, even when i'm sleeping or reading or doing nothing at all. i'm constantly smiling! what the hell? how did i get this incredible life? i can't wait till college, i can't wait till my future, but i love my present and it doesn't matter that it's finishing, all that matters is that i have the best life ever!!
and you know, i owe it all to you. because it's not like i do this to myself. it's not like i just force myself to be happy. it's because i know the best people ever. it's because i somehow tricked these people into spending their time with me and becoming close to me... and again, i am just lucky to find people who make me laugh and listen to me cry and hold me when i'm sad but always leave me feeling so happy.
i just can't believe it. my life is perfect.

current mood: ecstatic

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Tuesday, April 19th, 2005
8:49 am - the best i could do.
KTS400 (8:45:30 AM): :-\
KTS400 (8:46:41 AM): leo, what am i doing?
KTS400 (8:46:50 AM): i'm trying to write a livejournal and i just can't
funkymonk1245 (8:47:33 AM): honestly... why should you feel pressure to write one? if you cant then just forget about it for now and dont.
funkymonk1245 (8:47:35 AM): its doesnt matter
funkymonk1245 (8:47:45 AM): its a stupid livejournal
funkymonk1245 (8:47:53 AM): people who obsess with them have no lives
KTS400 (8:48:07 AM): but then i have to do my paper :-(
funkymonk1245 (8:48:29 AM): then do your paper now, and stay home tomorrow to write a livejournal
funkymonk1245 (8:48:42 AM): perfect reason to be absent

current mood: frustrated

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Saturday, April 2nd, 2005
2:43 am
a frustrating night turns really interesting and fun if you just "go with the flow", as justin head put it so eloquently tonight.
i feel as though every night spent in hastings just passes us by. the night consists of trying to figure what to do. but this habitually becomes the main activity. it might sound pathetic, but i don't know. i don't know what it would be like if we didn't have the food emporium to pass the time... or our pointless drives and our complaints.... perhaps the city, full of life and activities would not fullfill us either and would end up just being expensive.
tonight i was told that i was an open person. and it made me feel really good. and now i'm really happy. and now there are a lot of things i want to say and i know this isn't the place because frankly it isn't the place for anything anymore. but in all honesty, i just feel myself forgetting everything these days... and becoming less open... becoming more gossipy, more mean. and i hate it. i don't want to judge people and interperate their actions from one side only... and this comment made me realize that i am not living up to this person's expectations.
it's hard though, isn't it? i mean, sometimes it seems like there is nothing else to talk about. which makes me feel like the most dull and superficial person ever. there are so many more important things in the world and our lives that need to be explored but what interests us is really meaningless things, like who got in where and who is hooking up with who and i do it... i give in... and i don't want to. but i don't not want to. just the fact that i'm talking about this in my livejournal proves how flat i am.
now i'm just frustrating myself.
anyway, i just wanted to mention how much i love my friends. and tonight, this one inparticular. and i think she knows who she is, because without her, i don't know if i'd exist. and it's weird to feel that way. but i do. and i hope she knows that. and the thought of anyone in the entire world making her unhappy hurts me. it was really great to spend some quality time with her. i need to appreciate her more. just like i need to appreciate everyone more. and everything more.
and there is this other person, who i promised i would never mention in livejournal. but thanks this person also... for keeping my happiness afloat tonight.
and congratulations to all the Bens... for getting into the Ivies... they are well disserving of the recognition.
and tomorrow will be fun... hopefully i drink a lot of milk.
and last but not least, here's to the food emporeum. Because without it, i wouldn't have run into a bunch of tipsy boys and girls. And also to driving around in circles while talking to a drunk Danny Sugrue. I love my nabiors (neighbors).
tomorrow will be fun.
Happy national peanut butter and jelly day everyone! (The only thing i learned in Euro).

current mood: cheerful

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Wednesday, March 30th, 2005
10:18 pm
I don't know what to make of the way i feel. what a weird day i had. it started with early morning madrigals, something that i will definitly miss in three months when we graduate. Three months. can you believe that? just thinking about sitting there in my gown makes me want to cry. for some reason the excitement of college and all of that has completely been washed away by the thoughts of not returning here. and i just know that the thought of three months means that we're basically done. for some reason i can't really stand that thought... that this won't be our home anymore.
but that's not what i should think about right now. i should think about all the wonderful things that go on during the days that i actually am here. i saw a lot of people today. one i hadn't seen in awhile... willis looks good, seems healthy, it was a pleasure to see someone who i forgot even existed. it's really true: out of sight, out of mind. it was really amazing to see. i'm sure u will all see him eventually too, and also feel the same way. i went to the library, which is just one of the most pleasent places that exists. It is the only place where they dont' want your money. where they find it a shame that you must pay them. i met this really nice jamaican man who just seemed like such a smart person, and it felt so good to speak to a stranger. i love that... meeting people who you'll never meet again and somehow being able to make conversation. it's actually really rare, for me at least. like i remember in montreal, going to the bakery down the street and this boy who worked there was asking me how they say all of the pastries in english and telling me how he really wanted to visit the states. i always think after i meet people like that that i'll never forget them. but that is so unrealistic, i mean, i forgot all about willis and i must have had more substantial conversations with him... well, i didn't really forget him of course. i'm not that absent minded... although i am quite absent minded.
anyway, i went to subway where they didn't have honey oat bread, at either one we went to. The people there were so weird, and i can't deal with weird people. i guess they were like the other extreme... the random people who you find mildly entertaining in an extremely annouying way. the ones you kind of want to forget but make for good stories. yea, well, subway was needed. don't ask me why. but it was also just for the good conversations and the resistance of homework.
sometimes i just feel like i'm not really here and i just float through everyday. i don't really understand how to feel about it... i think that actually thinking about things scares me so i opt for the stuff that doesn't really matter and then i feel like something is missing because i just glaze over everything. i don't know how to get over this. i think that is why i feel so weird these days... but happy weird. don't get me wrong. i'm very happy. but i'm scared of my happiness... i think it makes me feel less real. is that possible?

current mood: confused

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Sunday, March 20th, 2005
8:25 pm - i can't believe i have to go sit through committee sessions now.
I'm feeling really weird right now. i am not someone who wakes up earlier than i have to, but i was so paranoid that my alarm wouldn't go off that i just ended up getting up. my brother was stomping around opening doors also... i don't think he slept last night. last night was weird. i'm still so pissed off that i hurt my ankle and i hope that it won't last because that's the worst. it just sucked not being able to dance with all my friends and then by the time they were done i was falling asleep. arg. this westmunc was quite the dissapointment. but i guess with expectations there are also dissapointments.
my life feels overly eventful although its not at all. i miss those days when i could just write anything in my livejournal, but i just can't. i can't write anything of significance in fact. and it's kind of upsetting. i miss being addicted and writing more than one entry a night and really caring about other people's. what happened?
well, i have so much i want to say but i just can't. so that's it.

current mood: shitty

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Wednesday, March 16th, 2005
7:43 am
someone please try to analyze the away message phenomenon.

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Saturday, March 12th, 2005
2:40 am - My Epic Tale
Okay, i have corrections to make from a previous entry.
It has been shown, through exstensive research, that Friendly's is in fact, not a 50s restaurant.
As a matter of fact, it was what i had thought my whole childhood, it is a normal family restaurant. just like all other family restaurant chains.
i know, at first i was shocked too. i mean, to come a realization that friendly's is fifties restaurant is quite disturbing. it throw yourself off balance, and for days and days i hardly felt myself. the epiphany, which is really the right word, was extremely invigorating. i laughed, i danced, even sang a couple bars. all becaue i believed, even if just for a mere hour, that i was actually part of the fifties. this knowedlge that i gained opened up whole new options for me. i bought a whole new wardrobe, coordinating to that of the poodle skirt girls of the 5th decade. my eyes had been open, my life renewed.
but. as i approach the doorway of a home, one which offered great shelter tonight, i am confronted with debate. the women and men, all of great stature, told me that in fact, my first assumption, as a mere uneducated child, was correct all along. my "epiphany" as they put in quotation mark was really not an epiphany, but some type of halucination.
of course, i stuck to my guns. my realization that night was one i too questioned. but i insesently asked, without fail i received similar answers, each conferming my vision, that in fact i sat that night in a fifties restaurant chain. this word is key in the story.
so, to proove them wrong, i approach the online apparatus which you are currently learning. for this machine seems to know all answers. i find the 'friendly's' website and begin a letter of complaint but without complaint, but in a question. but then we found the number of laurel adams and we knew, that we had struck gold. the truth awaited us, only a phone call away. a one and an eighthundred were the only things that seperated us with our destiny.
i picked up the phone hurried through the number. it was late by then, the sun had set an eternity ago, and our time spent in front of the computer had multiplied exponentially with each second. i reach a voice and he answers me in a question. the question says, "friendly's?" and i began my narrative, one of jumbbled up stuttering and massive jubilations.
but his answer crushed me. crushed me like they crush them bugs. i am a black mass of crumbs. and the ability to write comes from my ability to telepathize.
he told me that
i am sorry to get your hopes up. i'm sorry that you thought this story had a happy ending. but not all stories do. some are trageties, i'm just sorry you had to be here to witness this one.

current mood: cold

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Thursday, March 10th, 2005
7:55 pm
changed my icon. i need to get a hobby.

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Sunday, March 6th, 2005
1:46 am
Things I learned this weekend:

1. Justin Brown is awesome.
2. Friendly's is a fiftys restaurant
3. As Good As It Gets is an amazing movie.
4. Joanna Barnett is now a woman
5. I am definitly getting sick.

I just had to note these things down, especailly the one about friendy's. Isn't that a fucked up realization? i'm still in awe.

current mood: exhausted

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